SARAH PALIN vs THE WHITE WHALE

In my unofficial capacity as `Uncle Jon` to a new generation of cryptofolk, I am training up several of the young people with whom I deal to be in a position that should they care to, they will be able to take over from me when my poor battered body finally gives out.

One of these aforementioned young people is Max Blake who has an excellent blog on the CFZ bloggo networkything. I was talking to him a few days ago, saying that I was appalled at the latest excesses of that abominable woman in Alaska, and telling him how I had commissioned a diatribe against her. "But who", I asked, "do you think I commissioned to write the nastiest and most unpleasant stream of verbeage they could muster?" Max mentioned a few names of people known for their psycho tendencies - all men by the way. No, it wasn't the twisted middle aged goth with the nasty tember, nor the ex-football hooligan, nor the ex squaddie with a history of ABH.

"Nope", I said. "Think back to when you were at school". There was a pregnant silence. "I'm still at school" he said. I continued: "All the better. The boys my rough each other up occasionally, but for the most vicious schoolyard terror campaigns you can look no further than a pretty girl.."

There was a few seconds silence, and then the penny dropped. "You have asked Fleur to do it!"

"Damn right" I said.

Alaska is a land of opportunity, of wildlife, beauty, forests and mountains. Unfortunately for many of these things it is also the land of Big Oil, and perhaps even worse, the land of Sarah Palin.

Whilst I do not wish to be sued by the above lady, who I am sure does not actually eat the foetuses of endangered species for breakfast, or have a gun rack instead of a heart, it cannot be argued that she is at best controversial and at worst downright evil. Alaska may not be so beautiful once the wildlife is dead, the forests felled, and the mountains turned into open cast coal mines, but this is the grand dream of Sarah Palin; the Alaska she would like to bequeath to her children.

The Wicked Witch of Alaska, not content with gunning down delightful packs of wolves from a helicopter (personally I’d like to see her take them on unarmed, alone, on the ground) has now got larger, whiter and more smiley prey in her sights (almost literally), the beluga whales of the Cook Inlet bay. In recent years the numbers of these whales have fallen from around 1300 to only 350, but she is trying to block attempts to have them protected.

Under her administration the pollution into the bay has more than tripled. She is probably only disappointed that she cannot go out in a submarine and finish these marvellous mammals off for herself.The belugas of Cook Inlet bay are genetically different from others and therefore this dramatic decline in numbers is even more worrying. You might think that as a hunter Palin might have an understanding of nature and the delicate balance it requires but it seems not.

As a devout Christian, to the extent that she is a Creationist, she believes that animal life was put on this earth purely for humans to use and exploit.Not that she is too keen on many humans either, the Inupiat (a Federally recognised tribe) villages which are affected by climate change to the extent that they are falling into the sea can also whistle for any help they may get from our gun-toting heroine.

Not content with finishing off the animals that live beneath the water, she is also not keen on those who prefer ice. Insisting that there are plenty of polar bears and that if the (entirely natural and not at all man made) global warming melts the ice caps then the bears will learn to live on land.I would suggest that the next beluga that dies in the polluted and toxic waters gets the honour of having its giant rotting corpse placed in front of her house...

As I am full of the Sarah Palin induced rage, I would like to start a little competition. the writer of the best haiku or other short poem about what a total cow she is will win a prize made by my own fair hands. just post your poems here...