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Half a century ago, Belgian Zoologist Bernard Heuvelmans first codified cryptozoology in his book On the Track of Unknown Animals.

The Centre for Fortean Zoology (CFZ) are still on the track, and have been since 1992. But as if chasing unknown animals wasn't enough, we are involved in education, conservation, and good old-fashioned natural history! We already have three journals, the largest cryptozoological publishing house in the world, CFZtv, and the largest cryptozoological conference in the English-speaking world, but in January 2009 someone suggested that we started a daily online magazine! The CFZ bloggo is a collaborative effort by a coalition of members, friends, and supporters of the CFZ, and covers all the subjects with which we deal, with a smattering of music, high strangeness and surreal humour to make up the mix.

It is edited by CFZ Director Jon Downes, and subbed by the lovely Lizzy Bitakara'mire (formerly Clancy), scourge of improper syntax. The daily newsblog is edited by Corinna Downes, head administratrix of the CFZ, and the indexing is done by Lee Canty and Kathy Imbriani. There is regular news from the CFZ Mystery Cat study group, and regular fortean bird news from 'The Watcher of the Skies'. Regular bloggers include Dr Karl Shuker, Dale Drinnon, Richard Muirhead and Richard Freeman.The CFZ bloggo is updated daily, and there's nothing quite like it anywhere else. Come and join us...

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Monday, January 26, 2009

SARAH PALIN vs THE WHITE WHALE

In my unofficial capacity as `Uncle Jon` to a new generation of cryptofolk, I am training up several of the young people with whom I deal to be in a position that should they care to, they will be able to take over from me when my poor battered body finally gives out.

One of these aforementioned young people is Max Blake who has an excellent blog on the CFZ bloggo networkything. I was talking to him a few days ago, saying that I was appalled at the latest excesses of that abominable woman in Alaska, and telling him how I had commissioned a diatribe against her. "But who", I asked, "do you think I commissioned to write the nastiest and most unpleasant stream of verbeage they could muster?" Max mentioned a few names of people known for their psycho tendencies - all men by the way. No, it wasn't the twisted middle aged goth with the nasty tember, nor the ex-football hooligan, nor the ex squaddie with a history of ABH.

"Nope", I said. "Think back to when you were at school". There was a pregnant silence. "I'm still at school" he said. I continued: "All the better. The boys my rough each other up occasionally, but for the most vicious schoolyard terror campaigns you can look no further than a pretty girl.."

There was a few seconds silence, and then the penny dropped. "You have asked Fleur to do it!"

"Damn right" I said.

Alaska is a land of opportunity, of wildlife, beauty, forests and mountains. Unfortunately for many of these things it is also the land of Big Oil, and perhaps even worse, the land of Sarah Palin.
Whilst I do not wish to be sued by the above lady, who I am sure does not actually eat the foetuses of endangered species for breakfast, or have a gun rack instead of a heart, it cannot be argued that she is at best controversial and at worst downright evil. Alaska may not be so beautiful once the wildlife is dead, the forests felled, and the mountains turned into open cast coal mines, but this is the grand dream of Sarah Palin; the Alaska she would like to bequeath to her children.

The Wicked Witch of Alaska, not content with gunning down delightful packs of wolves from a helicopter (personally I’d like to see her take them on unarmed, alone, on the ground) has now got larger, whiter and more smiley prey in her sights (almost literally), the beluga whales of the Cook Inlet bay. In recent years the numbers of these whales have fallen from around 1300 to only 350, but she is trying to block attempts to have them protected.
Under her administration the pollution into the bay has more than tripled. She is probably only disappointed that she cannot go out in a submarine and finish these marvellous mammals off for herself.The belugas of Cook Inlet bay are genetically different from others and therefore this dramatic decline in numbers is even more worrying. You might think that as a hunter Palin might have an understanding of nature and the delicate balance it requires but it seems not.
As a devout Christian, to the extent that she is a Creationist, she believes that animal life was put on this earth purely for humans to use and exploit.Not that she is too keen on many humans either, the Inupiat (a Federally recognised tribe) villages which are affected by climate change to the extent that they are falling into the sea can also whistle for any help they may get from our gun-toting heroine.
Not content with finishing off the animals that live beneath the water, she is also not keen on those who prefer ice. Insisting that there are plenty of polar bears and that if the (entirely natural and not at all man made) global warming melts the ice caps then the bears will learn to live on land.I would suggest that the next beluga that dies in the polluted and toxic waters gets the honour of having its giant rotting corpse placed in front of her house...
As I am full of the Sarah Palin induced rage, I would like to start a little competition. the writer of the best haiku or other short poem about what a total cow she is will win a prize made by my own fair hands. just post your poems here...


10 comments:

Paddy said...

Whilst not my own words - this immediately came to mind:

Like a Night Club in the morning, you’re the bitter end.
Like a recently disinfected shit-house, you’re clean round the bend.
You give me the horrors
too bad to be true
All of my tomorrow’s
are lousy coz of you.
You put the Shat in Shatter
Put the Pain in Spain
Your germs are splattered about
Your face is just a stain

You’re certainly no raver, commonly known as a drag.
Do us all a favour, here... wear this polythene bag.

You’re like a dose of scabies,
I’ve got you under my skin.
You make life a fairy tale... Grimm!

People mention murder, the moment you arrive.
I’d consider killing you if I thought you were alive.
You’ve got this slippery quality,
it makes me think of phlegm,
and a dual personality
I hate both of them.

Your bad breath, vamps disease, destruction, and decay.
Please, please, please, please, take yourself away.
Like a death a birthday party,
you ruin all the fun.
Like a sucked and spat our smartie,
you’re no use to anyone.
Like the shadow of the guillotine
on a dead consumptive’s face.
Speaking as an outsider,
what do you think of the human race

You went to a progressive psychiatrist.
He recommended suicide...
before scratching your bad name off his list,
and pointing the way outside.

You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart.
You’re heading for a breakdown,
better pull yourself apart.

Your dirty name gets passed about when something goes amiss.
Your attitudes are platitudes,
just make me wanna piss.

What kind of creature bore you
Was is some kind of bat
They can’t find a good word for you,
but I can...
TWAT.

LYRICS © JOHN COOPER CLARKE

Apologies for my musical influences!
Paddy

Kithra said...

Witch, Sarah Palin,
Set, stern, cold, killing machine,
Alaska winter

Deby said...

This supposed to be science not politics. No amount of this highschool mud slinging is going to do any good! Get off you're high horse and do something mature that will make a difference! Help the whales instead of suggesting aweful things to do do with their poor bodies! This is just immature, worthless, and NOT what I came here to read about!

CFZ: Cryptozoology Online said...

Dear Deby,

Thank you for your comment on Fleur's article.

However, I don't agree with what you said. Whilst, yes this is a science site, it is also a site about conservation. Whilst I will never allow party politicising on these blogs, what Fleur did in her article was to draw attention to the appalling breach of conservation ethics by Sarah Palin who happens to be a politician (and not a very nice one).

This is NOT an attack on the Republican Party, nor is it an endorsement of the Democratic Party. It is an attack on the morals and actions of a person whom I feel to be acting in a dishonourable and - although I hate to use this word - evil way.

For example, look at this news article which appeared today:

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s wolf-killing program is off at a record pace: Airborne sharpshooters have already gunned down at least 50 wolves, in what could be the bloodiest season yet. Now, Palin’s teaming up with wealthy special interest groups to expand the brutal program even more.

With your support, Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund can fight Palin’s wolf-killing program and save wolves and other wildlife.

You can read more about it

HERE

I agree totally with you about leaving politics out of these blogs. Conventional politics that is. We as a species, and as concerned, decent human beings have to start thinking beyond politics. This is about right and wrong, and it is up to people like us to unite and do something about it.

fleury said...

Hello Derby, I agree that this blog is about science in the main.
However, i disagree that I am mud-slinging, bringing this story to people's attention IS doing something for the whales. short of going over to Alaska and protesting I fail to see what else i could do. (I already am a member of the Marine Conservation Society etc)
and I thought it was obvious that my comment about the whale's body was a flippant one, not a serious one, but I am sorry if it upset you.
fleur

CFZ MANCHESTER said...

It is interesting that once we start talking about subjects like politics certain small-minded individuals get worried. Don't they understand that the animals of this planet are under threat as a direct result of Palinesque ideology? Their brand of militant Christianity sees the earth as a resource to be plundered as per a few sections of The(ir) Bible. The CFZ is and should be about more mystery animals and we reserve the right to engage in politics as and when it suits. The whole ecosystem of the planet has been under attack for years and the main culprits have been the USA and its economic system, hence decline in natural habitats, elimination of old growth forests, polluting of rivers and much more. Other countries, like China and India, have followed suit. To an extent we are all to blame but Palin is very much of the mind that, for example, it doesn't matter how warm the planet gets as long as Corporations can make profits and her breed of politician can get support from the profiteers. In this world in which we find ourselves, pretending that serious problems affecting our children's future can be swept away or that "everything will be alright" is not an option, hence the CFZ's new "militancy"....in this case shown by the existence of material criticising the less than intelligent Sarah Palin and her even less intelligent supporters. It goes without saying that if you don't like the message you can always go somewhere else on the Internet until, that is, someone like Sarah Palin actually obtains power and tries to stop you thinking for yourself......because her Bible is The Only Truth....

Jon Downes said...

On the whole I agree with you Tim. However, I would like to make one serious point. Although the CFZ is not a religious organisation, quite a few members of its heirarchy are members of different religions. I, for example, am a Christian, although on the whole I leave my personal political or religious views out of my work.

I would agree - on the whole - with everything that Tim has said except for the last line, which should read "someone like Sarah Palin actually obtains power and tries to stop you thinking for yourself......because her INTERPRETATION OF THE Bible is The Only Truth...."

As I wrote above: We are not affiliated to any political party or religious movement.

However, we are against bigotry, stupidity, small mindedness, ignorance, cruelty and greed.

It is time for people like us to take a stand.
""

Deby said...

Hi everyone, I'm not small minded and sorry to give that impression. I know Ms. Palin's, shall we say, conservation ideas and happen not to agree with her on just about any subject. I just thought I would point out that there might be better ways to undo her wrongs and prevent more from happening. When all is said and done if we don't look better than she does, what ground have we made.
Deby

fleury said...

I don't think you came across as small minded, just as someone who obviously has strong feelings on the treatment of animals, which is something everyone here has in common! :) I hope my new article about Tanzania's newly found toads is less controversial!
fleur

fleury said...

I don't think you came across as small minded, just as someone who obviously has strong feelings on the treatment of animals, which is something everyone here has in common! :) I hope my new article about Tanzania's newly found toads is less controversial!
fleur