Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User's Notes
By Lucy A. Snyder
5 April 2004
Let's face it: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat on a Compaq, his mom's toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing earns you geek points like installing Linux on a dead badger. So if you really want to earn your wizard hat, just read the following instructions, and soon your friends will think you're slick as caffeinated soap.
Minimum Installation Requirements:
- one (1) pocketknife
- one (1) screwdriver, flathead, to install Duppy card (see item 4. below)
- computer with:
- CD drive
- USB, Ethernet, or a free slot for wireless networking card
- Telnet or SSH client installed
- cyberspiritual controller program such as FleshGolem (Mac OS X and Linux), Phranken (Windows 98, ME, 2000), or ItzaLive (Mac OS 8.1-9.x and Amiga)
- one (1) Duppy card (available in CardBus and PCI models) or SpiritInTheSky external adapter (available in ethernet and USB models)
- VüDü Linux (available from Twisted Faces Software)
- minimum 3' x 3' (1m x 1m) fireproof surface, in secure, ventilated area
- one (1) dead badger, good condition
Optional Installation Requirements:
- one (1) gallon of holy water (Bless! brand exorcise water is ideal) in a silver or silver-plated bucket
- one (1) pair latex gloves
- one (1) fluid ounce of flea-killing shampoo such as Ecto-Soothe or Mycodex
- running water and a large sink or washtub
The following test installation was conducted on the concrete floor of the garage of a detached single-story house, on unconsecrated ground, using a 400MHz clamshell iBook, and began shortly after local sunset.
Step 1: Find a suitable badger. Specimens from zoos are ideal, but suitable badgers can be found as roadkill along highways in many parts of North America, the British Isles, continental Europe, Asia, and parts of Africa.
- Other animals of family Mustelidae can be used in place of a badger, but an adapter may be required. See Appendix II for details.
Step 2: Once you have obtained a dead badger, check it carefully for structural damage, particularly in the spine, skull, and legs. Dead badgers do not heal, and a badger with broken legs will display limited mobility. Brain and spinal cord damage is likely to interfere with the Linux installation and render any successfully-installed system unstable, as well as voiding all explicit and implicit warranties according to the laws of any and every state, country, or alternate dimension, present or future.
- As a precaution against infection, wear latex gloves at all times when handling your dead badger. It is highly recommended that you wash the carcass with a suitable flea-killing shampoo.
Step 3: Obtain a copy of FleshGolem or other cyberspiritual controller program. This test was conducted with a copy of FleshGolem downloaded from the Apple site's utilities section. Follow all installation instructions carefully, including addenda in the readme.txt file.