MIKE HALLOWELL: WW Memories

I'd hazard a guess that a few bloggers reviewing the highlights of the Weird Weekend will be focusing on the talks given, and as I wouldn't wish to buck a well-established trend, my in-depth analysis is as follows:

They were pretty damned good.

Now, having got my in-depth analysis out of the way, I thought I'd take a look at some of the personages, incidents, escapades and vignettes that characterised the Weird Weekend for me personally, and made it most memorable. These may, I warn you, be nothing more than amusing anecdotes and have nothing directly to do with the Weird Weekend itself, for which I make no apologies unless someone decides to pay me.

Greatest Living Weird Weekender Award
Ronan Coughlan, who is a personage, an incident, an escapade and a vignette all rolled into one. And then some. Long may he prosper.

Above and Beyond the Call of Duty Award
Yvonne and Mickey behind the bar at the Woolsery Village Hall, who wend to great efforts to secure a supply of Newcastle Brown Ale for the Weird Weekend's Geordie Contingent. You are both true heroes and I'm going to petition for a statue of you both to be erected next to that of the 2nd Earl Grey in Newcastle city centre. Only bigger.

Politician of the Year Award
TV presenter, quiz show host, Orang Pendek manipulator and fez salesman extraordinaire, Barry Tadcaster. Barry had to be the star turn of the entire weekend and will get my vote for Mayor. He may stuff turtles into jars of pickling juice and eat them on trains, but haven't we all done that at some time or other? I know I have. The difference is that Mr. Tadcaster can do this whilst simultaneously having his hand inserted into the digestive tract of an Orang Pendek, and I can't match that. Our country needs him.

Would Barry be prepared to stand as Mayor? Not one to beat about the bush, he gave us a predictably direct answer: "The feet of the Brazilian seven-legged bottle-opener beetle are not suitable for washing windows with as they do not come supplied with batteries. This is because trousers are not scone-cutters, unless they are".

And you can't be clearer than that. Barry Tadcaster? Approved!

Cheery Chappies (and Chapesses) Award
The thoroughly nice staff in the Woolsery Londis shop, who supplied us with superb pasties which we took back to our campsite and devoured. Their friendliness will long be remembered.

Most Suspicious Incident and/or Person Award
Which must, I think , go to the delightful Nichola. If my memory serves me correctly, she won something like 1,583 of the 1,584 raffle prizes, including an evening out with Barry Tadcaster, a year's supply of moonshine and a refrigerator full of Orang Pendek steaks. I could be wrong, though. She may actually have won a year's supply of Barry Tadcaster steaks, a refrigerator full of moonshine and an evening out with Orang Pendek. (The differences are negligible, so I won't labour the point). We know Nichola didn't really fix the raffles, but we're going to give her the award anyway as she's a really canny lass.

Tallest Weird Weekender Award
Joint winners in this category! The first goes to the thoroughly decent cove in picture one, who agreed to be photographed alongside the somewhat vertically-challenged Jackie, who was actually standing on an orange box at the time.

The second goes to Matt of the CFZ, who seems to have found himself somewhat discomfited during the final bash at the Bigfoot Arms as you will see from the second picture. We are unsure whether Matt has since managed to dislocate himself from the ceiling and return to his CFZ duties, but if not it may pay Jon and Corinna to check the bar. Please tell Matt I know of a really good chiropractor.

Bravest Speaker of the Decade Award
Matthew Williams, of crop-circle fame. If you want to know why, you really should have been there.

Most Scurrilous Weird Weekenders Award
The thoroughly despicable team who, during the quiz, beat our team. But that was only because they had that weasely quiz-master Barry Tadcaster on their side, the swine. How come they got loads of easy-peasy, multiple-choice questions and we didn't? How come all their questions were set in Grimbsy, Catford and Walsall whilst OURS were set in Northern Upper Volta, Nauru and Liechtenstein? How come THEY get asked "What do the letters 'UFO' stand for?" but WE get asked, "On the morning of June 3 1871, Gregor Macudlaba of the Democratic Republic of the Congo saw a ghost. At the same time, his great uncle who lived In Valencia accidentally dropped and smashed a coffee mug. What colour was the milk jug which held the milk that he had used to make that coffee with, and was it full cream or regular?"

If that Tadcaster guy hadn't have been so biased we'd have hammered them. Possibly. Just wait till next year…

Weirdest Incident of the Weird Weekend Award
Forget Geordie Dave and his Black Triangle; that was really spooky, I grant you, but something FAR weirder than that happened on Sunday. It was nothing to do with the paranormal. Or the supernatural. Or cryptozoology. Or that sort of stuff. But it was bloody weird. Yesterday I made a number of calls to Bideford Town Hall and Devon County Council about the matter, which could have political and legal ramifications throughout England and Wales and – seriously – alter forever the gastronomic habits of an entire generation. And it all started off because John Triplow and I decided to be greedy buggers and tease our significant others about something completely trivial. There now, aren't you intrigued? Watch this space.