Guest Blogger time for Richard Freeman again. It almost seems silly introducing Richard to you all once again when he makes an appearance as guest blogger several times a week. However, our viewing audience/ readers (whatever you like to call yourselves) is growing so fast that it is certain that some of you missed the last time I introduced him. Recently Animal Planet was crowing about a premiere documentary called Anaconda: Search of the Bullkiller. I didn’t recognise the title so I tuned in. You may recall some weeks ago I wrote a scathing review of an unbelievably contrived Loch Ness ‘documentary’. Well, the Animal Planet offering was hardly better. The film, which incidentally was several years old, involved a German expedition to Guyana in search of giant anacondas.
The group boasted a remote controlled submarine, car and helicopter, all fitted with cameras. Apparently they also had the technology to measure the size and distance of living things!
After interviewing an old native man whose brother was almost eaten at a remote lake by a huge anaconda we are never told how huge. All throughout the film we are told that you cannot reach the lake on foot. This begs the question of how the native chap and his brother got there. Anyhow, the team intend to use their technology to hunt anacondas around the unapproachable lake.
On the way we are shown footage of a puma hunting a tapir. The two animals are never together in the same shot and are transparently filmed at totally different locations. Also we are told that the group come upon a black caiman. But the animal is already being filmed from the opposite angle when the group’s canoe appears.
The helicopter is tested out and films and measures a five-metre anaconda. The display we are shown looks suspiciously like computer animation rather than a real computer programme. On its next flight the helicopter crashes and is lost. Next they use the tiny submarine. The group panic when it disappears in a lake but lo and behold, there is already a cameraman in the lake to film the sub getting tangled in weeds. A woman from the group dives in to fix it and meets what we are told is an 8 metre anaconda. Judging by the girth it looks closer to 5 metres than eight.
Next two of the group use the remote control car to explore the jungle. And at the height of farce another two try to use a toy monkey suspended over the water to bait a giant anaconda.
Of course these clowns find nothing of consequence. In fact the whole sorry saga looked 100% staged from start to finish.
The CFZ wants to return to Guyana with the help of Damon Corrie to hunt the real giant anaconda. So far we have failed to interest any TV company in sponsoring us so when this shit befouls our screens it is all the more galling.
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