RONAN COGHLAN: The Search for the Umbopa: a tale of 19th Century Cryptozoology

Our journey to the forests of South America had not taken long - largely because we had started from Rio de Janeiro. But now we had been trekking through the intertwining foliage for two years and were beginning to feel we weren’t getting anywhere.

We were searching for the Umbopa, the legendary banjo-playing lizard said to lurk in the dense jungles. The insects were atrocious. Have you ever heard an insect playing the banjo? I myself, between suffering countless discomforts, had taught myself how to play the Indian nose-flute, on which I had learned Chopsticks, but I was finding Frere Jacques a challenge.

I noticed Carruthers staring suspiciously at me. He was smoking his pipe - he likes a good shag. We were the last two members of the expedition living. It had proved too much for old Fortescue, who had expired from lack of whiskey by a river as yet unnamed by explorers. Blenkinsop had had to go back lest he miss the test cricket. That had left Carruthers, me and our native guide Uturuncu. Then Uturuncu had disappeared and I knew Carruthers suspected me of eating him. As if I’d eat a damned native!

Then suddenly we heard it - the unmistakable sound of Oh, Susannah. The undoubted twankle of the banjo. Could our quarry be near to hand? This could be the last Umbopa on earth, so in good 19th-century fashion we readied our guns and prepared to blow its head off. I fanced getting it stuffed and using it as a hatstand. My social status would rise accordingly. Dukes and earls would come, merely to see my hatstand.

We entered a clearing where we found no lizard, but a shack. There was a notice over it saying Downes Bar and Kaff . There were also fairground amusements such as Wrestle a Jaguar, the Urubamba Water Slide with Live Crocodiles, the Cannibals’ Cauldron (payment in advance), etc. Playing the banjo on the front was a man of generous proportions wearing a monocle.

We’re cryptozoologists, we explained. We seek the Umbopa.

At that moment a large saurian emerged carrying a plate of fried eggs. Who ordered the fry-up? he demanded. It appeared the Umbopa was the cook.

Are you the Umbopa? I cried. Long have I sought you. Stop twisting the barrel of my gun into a knot.

But the pitiless saurian now proceeded to do the same with Carruthers’s gun.

Kill them off, urged the proprietor. We can stuff them and use them as hatstands.

Yes, we had stumbled on the beginnings of the Downes Jungle Theme Park, now a major tourist attraction in Brazil. You can get special deals flying there with Ryanair. And to think it had such humble origins in the 19th century!

As you enter the main lobby, you can see two very distinguished looking hatstands. Do stop to admire them.