CONFESSIONS OF AN ALL-ROUND GOOD EGG

Matty looking mean, moody and magnificent.

Unbelievably girls..he's still single!


Poor Matthew Osborne. He works harder than most people at CFZ business, and basically the poor chap ends up being lampooned mercilessly by me, both in writing, verbally, and in our monthly webTV show `On the Track`. However, he was an integral part of the caper last week that saw the intrepid boys of the CFZ go and pinch a decomposing seal skull, and when he saw that both Graham and Oll had written their bit about it, he demanded his say....

Matt (right) and Graham (left) looking furtive

As the mountain of Paperwork once again threatened to engulf our hero, the Hotline rang, “it is J here, mission for you, Body washed up on the beach, we need to deal with this in a suitable manor”, I politely reminded J that he no long had a manor and it would be easier to do it on the beach where it was.

J sighed and asked if I was free, I said I would be free if he sent the Limo to collect me. With the Call over I contacted Home to say I would be late for supper, grabbed Wellies, climbing harness and 2 types of saw, 2 hats, a fleece and a second pair of trousers. and tipped off S there was a mission afoot, and left for the rendezvous.

With in minutes the Mission Wagon Arrived, this was some shock as the last I had heard its engine was on a sunk ship that had been trying to get to Dover.

With the Team all prepared, HawkMan Driving, Super Welsh Boy Filming and me navigating we set off, and very quickly found a chip shop at which to stop, having filled up with chips we set off to the Secret Location, On arrival at Croyde we headed on to the beach, it was deserted apart from the people who were there!

HM and I took the shore line and SWB took pictures of us looking busy, and pointing at random nonexistent things as if we were to be in the next Next Directory.

I headed up to talk to the Group of Young Ladies at the top of the beach, having worked out they did not want to be chatted up I established they had not seen a body lying around, and left them to their Icicle smashing.

I met with HM and head back across the beach to SWB where upon the MatPhone rang
“M this is J, Body is known to be on the rock at Down End”

With which we 3 returned to the car and headed to the other end of the beach, on arriving there I was over heard by a person who knows me as the mild mannered First Aid Trainer Matthew and not as the Super hero Super MattMan, Mr L, who is a great bloke and does the best work for North Devon Tourism you will ever imagine.

HM headed to the sea line which was still going out and would be until 2100 SWB headed north and I headed South, on finding the body I summoned assistance and everyone did what they could do best, HM took pictures, SWB Videoed everything, and I rang my Friend Mr K so as to get my name in the papers again.

With miles of film and plenty of pictures we gained the required samples and headed back to the Wagon.

Wrapping the Sections of suppurating Piniped in Black polyethene we jumped in the Mission Wagon and headed back to Shamwickshire so as to collect the MatMobile.

All we could hope now was that HM and SWB could get the evidence to J and DragonHunter before the smell over came them…

All was well until, the Sun announced the Head STOLEN, I rang J and told him. He advised me to do just 3 things:

1 phone my Lawyer,

2 pack all the burn I could find

and

3 hope I was less pretty than Super Welsh Boy.

I was still doing 3 having failed to do 1 and 2 when the Hotline rang.

“ M, J here. The Police say keep it, you are not going to prison for accessory to decapitating a rotting mammal that no one wants”