LIZ CLANCY: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

It is fortuitous that Nick Molloy was recently the interviewee for Oll's series, Five Questions on Cryptozoology, for I recently borrowed a DVD from Blockbuster simply because its theme mirrored that of Nick's book, Predator Deathmatch (which I urge you all to buy as it's fantastic!).

Just as in his book Nick pits famous carnivores against each other in imaginary but well researched fights to the death, so does the aptly named film Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. I don't remember this coming out in the cinema and after watching it, have come to the conclusion that this is because it's trash.

Starring American soap actor Lorenzo Lamas and one of Darren Day's many ex-girlfriends (Deborah Gibson - no, I'd never heard of her, either), this cobblers was penned by Jack Perez (he wrote an episode of Xena: Warrior Princess), who also directed. It tells the story of a group of friends who try to stop a megalodon and a giant octopus from destroying humanity, by getting them to destroy each other. Said beasties were apparently frozen alive mid-battle during the last ice age and due to global warming (Emma suggests their survival is "our comeuppance") have been defrosted to wreak prehistoric havoc on an unsuspecting twenty-first century.

A little far-fetched this plot may be, but stranger things have worked in film; this was an opportunity sorely missed. We were 'treated' to a cast of stereotypes - the sexy academic, the foreign academic, the anti-hero who is racist towards the foreign academic and the token charming Irishman.

The most ridiculous part of the film was when the mega shark leapt from the ocean and bit a jumbo jet in half.

I suppose it did have some redeeming features: the script was so bad I at least got a good laugh. In retaliation to yet another racist jibe from the government bloke in charge of the 'kill the monsters' operation, the Irish man replies "Megalodon don't discriminate," and the Chinese scientist adds, "Yes, he's an equal opportunities eating machine." And then when challenged over the likelihood of success in their plan to lure the creatures to a secure location by faking the scent of potential mates, it is pointed out that "Those guys have been frozen in ice for millions of years; wouldn't you be a little horny?"

Apart from the fact that it has given me the opportunity to plug Nick's book, that film stole two hours (it actually felt more like ten) of my life that I will never get back so if readers see it in their local video shop, they are advised to do a quick about-turn. You have been warned....