ALAN FRISWELL: FEARSOME FAT FIENDS’ FRANCHISE FINDS FAVOR FOR FEMALE FACES?

You know the feeling: you’re sitting there in front of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, watching Katie “I’m over Pete” Price eating maggots, or whatever, and threatening to engulf the rest of the has-beens with her endlessly expanding breasts, and you wonder if the human race can sink any lower.

Affirmation in this sorry direction arrives from, of all places, the CFZ site this morning (20th Nov), with the discovery of a team of killers in Peru who, after waylaying unwary travellers, hitchhikers and the like, promptly murdered them, removing their connective tissues and body fat to be rendered down and sold to the cosmetics industry.

Stone the bleeding crows.

Even Jon himself, a chap who’s encountered more than his fair share of tall tales, was taken aback by the sheer unreality of the premise, wondering if the whole thing is more in the realm of apocryphal myth and contemporary sociological folklore than a recounting of actual events.

Horrifyingly, the news networks confirm that the story, at least for the most part--and as far as can be ascertained-- is authentic, proving once again that reality is frequently so much more revolting and terrifying than the worst horror movie.

When people have asked me to describe my favourite horror film, I always choose The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as being one of the best, to which they reply: “Well what about The Exorcist, or Night of the Living Dead?”

Well, I love The Exorcist; it’s a brilliant film but in truth, while bouncing up and down violently on a bed, performing obscene sexual acts, firing off foul language and projectile vomiting over everyone in sight might be de rigueur for half the female contingent of Romford on a Friday night; you would surely have to be theologically minded to accept the concept of demonic possession as a workable proposition. Or to put it another way, why is it that only devoutly religious people--or their families--seem to fall victim to demonic attacks? Hmmmm.…
I also love zombies--Zombie Flesh Eaters is my all-time fave, closely followed by I Walked With a Zombie and Night of the Living Dead. But again, it would take some stretch of the imagination to entertain the notion of corpses rising from the grave to cannibalise human victims, even in your local Wetherspoons.

But I find it very easy to believe that the events of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre--or a reasonable facsimile--could be taking place even as you read this, which leads us neatly back to the shenanigans in Peru. I daresay that an encounter with a real ghost, zombie, or indeed, demonic entity would quite effectively put the frighteners on me, but in the meantime, some Leatherface wannabe butchering victims for their body fat, which is then sold on to (unwitting?) cosmetic labs to end up being smeared over someone’s face, is quite enough of a horror story for me, ta very much.

As for the beauty industry; well, I have no idea how all of this will affect it, but it’s going to be quite a while before I can look at Andie Mcdowell in the same way again....