The other week, as an amusing one-off Tim Matthews, wrote a silly short story spoofing some of the more ridiculous exploits of various self-styled big cat researchers over the years. It was so popular that he wrote another one, and now - by public demand - it has become a serial. Every other day will see an episode of Timmo's new Fortean soap opera The Cats of Upper Minster. And having read the first few episodes I can confirm that it is bloody smashing and highly amusing. "I'll carry on until it stops being funny" says Tim, and you can't say fairer than that!
“And I am speaking to yoo from the Minster Pub here in Upper Minster, Dorset, just a few hundred yards from alleged sightings of mystery animals. I am here with Farley Norman, aka The General, and a group of his supporters whose command and control vehicle is HQ for a major international effort to track down the elusive pray.”
Richard Smallbody, the Channel X reporter, was in his element as he spouted the sort of hype and propaganda equalled only by Fox News. It was indeed about as factual as a Westminster MP’s pre-2009 expenses claim but had, quite some time ago, usurped Living TV as the main vehicle for Paranormal Propaganda (if not Paranormal phenomena). With upward of two million viewers at peak times for his Unreal News Show Smallbody was no small man and understood that he needed the General as much as the General needed him; the perfect symbiotic relationship and many a gullible viewer out there ready to snap up the “Collected Unreal Highlights” DVD Collector’s Box Set twice yearly at a tidy profit to the channel.
“Now tell me Farley, why you are here please.”
“Well, Richard, this is undoubtedly the best case I have ever investigated and what we have here is a vortex of mind blowing possibilities. I have spent the morning with my team investigating a series of remarkable claims equalled only, perhaps, by the 1990 crop circle season in Wiltshire and Hampshire. “
“And what, Farley, do these claims relate to,” asked Smallbody, hoping that General Clown would get to the damn point and stop talking such utter bollocks. “What has been seen?”
Unconcerned at the journalists Who, Where, When, What Why directive, The General simply adjusted his shades and looked menacingly into the camera: “If there is anyone out there who denies the reality of such amazing phenomena I defy you to get down here and see for yourself!”
“And what will people see, should they come to this once sleepy place?” asked Smallbody, again.
“Mystery animals!” declared The General. “And not just any mystery animals. These ones can jump walls, savage farm animals, move in and out of our reality at will and are clearly not nuts and bolts creatures.”
Clearly taken aback by this unusual claim, Smallbody retreated: “And what sort of evidence can you give the millions and MILLIONS of viewers watching Unreal News,” he asked.
“Well, we have a respected local villager, whose son is a PhD student and he is assisting us. We have local sources and witnesses here in the village who insist that something major has been going on for some time. I am also convinced that local farmers know a great deal more than they are telling at the moment. It really is a remarkable place with a massive number of sightings.”
“It has been going on for ages,” The General continued, “and is evidence of deep Paranormal, if not Soopernormal phenomena whereby mysterious animals that can change form at will are roaming our countryside. They’re not just normal cats, they are something else.”
Fearing that The General was losing the plot, off track or off kilter, Smallbody immediately wrapped the segment up with the words, “Mr Norman, that is fascinating and now back to the studio where I understand that Channel X’s Trudy Makepiece has a story about UFOs over an ancient fort!”
He turned to The General. “Look, Farely, you and I have worked together before. Try and keep it short and simple. The people watching this show don’t understand big words and probably neither do you. This is a product, a fantasy we’re selling so concentrate on the emotional and to hell with facts OK! I think we need go grab a coffee, sit in the truck together and devise a strategy for making this news story a goer, not a gonner!”
And with that, they marched off in to the Channel X control vehicle to get the story straight for the four o’clock news.
Meanwhile, Robin and Frieda Fox, teenagers from Upper Minster who had been watching the TV broadcast, decided to put their plan into operation because they had already seen enough..........
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