http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/clegg-put-in-charge-of-the-paranormal-2012092542375
NICK
Clegg has denied being sidelined by the government after becoming Minister for
Paranormal Investigations.
Clegg's new role will involve travelling
around the UK investigating ghosts, UFOs and `cryptoozoological animals'
including owl men and talking polecats.
Clegg said: "I will continue to
play a full and active role in Westminster politics, albeit from a field in
Cornwall while searching for a stray panther.
"My coalition colleagues
have been 110% behind me, providing me with a complete paranormal detection kit
including an old Ford Transit, a video camera and an electrician's
voltmeter.
"They even gave me a proton pack for capturing ghosts, which
is categorically not just a vacuum cleaner with a laser pointer sellotaped to
the nozzle. Luckily I will be working alone, so there is no danger of crossing
the beams.
"Cynics would argue that the paranormal is completely made up.
But that's exactly what they said to Fox Mulder.
"I showed Vince Cable a
picture of some `orbs' and he was most impressed."
Political analyst
Nikki Hollis said: "Initially I thought this was a ploy to reduce Nick Clegg's
influence on British politics. Then I remembered he has no influence on British
politics."
Clegg announced his new role at the Liberal Democrat
conference in Brighton, where delegates responded by staring at his very
attractive wife.
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