The other week, as an amusing one-off Tim Matthews, wrote a silly short story spoofing some of the more ridiculous exploits of various self-styled big cat researchers over the years. Once mummy had dispensed with Colonel Bonkers she sat down on a chair in the corner of the room and talked to her children. It was not unlike a military briefing and certainly more effective than anything that Burger Van Billy and General Farley could manage.
“The first thing we should try is to actually find out something about this cat. I bet you that other people have seen it and another factor is, my dears, that we don’t want the village being taken over by nutters and men in camouflage. Or men driving around in a converted burger van. I am going to have a word with Jack and see what he can come up with. We shall reconvene here in an hour!”
Gosh, thought the children, mummy is a rock! “I was worried she’d be cross with me,” said Florence, “or tell me I was going mad.”
“You’re mad anyway, Florry,” laughed Robin. “But lovably so.”
“And pooh to you too,” sneered Florence in Robin’s general direction.
“There shall be no falling out. We are going to stick together in this one and save the village AND the cat I hope,” said Frieda. “It is going to be a lot of hard work but I suppose the first thing to do is to actually capture the cat!”
“Capture it,” the children said, aloud. Then Frieda added, “HOW are we going to capture it? Heavens!”
“Yes but I’ve been looking at some of these Big Cat websites and some are better than others,” said Robin. “And I’ll tell you what. The Big Cats Research one is the worst. Most of it isn’t about big cats and there are all these awful pictures of the various members and they all look like nutters or saddoes. Lots of photos of men in camouflage and very few women. Mostly a lot of posing idiots it seems and their forum, which I joined, is poisonous. It’s a lot of personal attacks on people they dislike and the General supports West Ham. Things couldn’t be worse!”
“Well who cares about his dratted website and forum,” retorted Tom. “Any idiot can have one of those!”
“Yes websites are ten a penny these days and it’s what people do, not how shiny their wretched website is and if ONLY people knew what kind of people these ABC idiots really are,” added Frieda.
“Brilliant, Frieda, brilliant. I have an idea...about the internet.....”, shouted Tom, joyfully. “Well, look here, we have broadband, we have a digicam, one of those nice Sony ones, and I’ve got this basic film making type programme and it’s a simple editing programme too. Some of my friends have put videos on YouTube. We could, too. We could make a `Kids From Upper Minster Speak Out` type film. Given all the rubbish publicity that is going to hit this village – and probably already is – people will watch any film on the subject and might help us in our plan.”
“Errrrm, just one problem, we don’t have a plan,” Robin complained. “Well apart from making a film and nobody will watch it anyway.”
“Don’t be so sure,” replied Tom. “If we do things right then we might go international.”
“Oh I do thiiink that the country air is affecting you Tom dearest,” added Florence.
“Maybe, maybe not,” replied Tom doing the worst Jimmy Cagney impression ever. “This is big news – by accident or design- so maybe the children of Upper Minster should get in on the act!”
At that moment, mother knocked on the door and Jack came in behind her. He spoke first:
“Well children, the quiet of our country life has been shattered by a lethal combination of bad luck and stupid people, so we are going to do something about it...starting now!” Jack was always a bit dramatic, but it amused Sheila and the kids loved his flamboyance.
“I have a plan,” he exclaimed, “and we will have to work in concert for it to work!”
“What’s concert?” demanded Florence. “Together, all of us,” Tom replied.
“I seeeee,” added Florence. “Cool!”
“First thing is,” said Jack, “To catch the blighter. Now so far nobody has managed this but then, you only have to look at the quality of personnel involved in the Big Cat Hunt to know why they’ve achieved nothing. Most of them don’t even own pets! Anyway, I digress. To catch this thing is not, technically, that difficult. What I shall do first, with some help from you youngsters, is try and work out its route. You see, cats of any sort are creatures of habit. I shall be speaking to a couple of the farmers I know, on the quiet, to see if they have any information. I have known some of ‘em all my life and they trust me, so we might get lucky. If this really is a Big Cat that Tom and Florry saw, then local farmhands will know something of it but will, for several reasons, not have made it public and might just have taken extra precautions on their land rather than making a big fuss or rushing off to the papers.”
“God knows what local farmers are thinking now,” mummy interjected, trying to add some hilarity into proceedings that had suddenly become all too serious. Mind you, Jack was an uncompromising soul and very gifted when it came to Zoology. When it came to animals and suchlike, Jack was your man. He was employed as a farm manager because he knew livestock, had expertise in it. In his earlier years, after doing a Zoology degree at Bristol University, he’d gone in search of new species of animal in South America and parts of Venezuela that weren’t even mapped properly! So he was a doer, not so much a talker.
“What we will do,” Jack continued, “is use our brains and our common sense. These have been sorely lacking amongst Big Cat researchers thus far.”
The children laughed.
“It seems to me that the cat will be hungry. Therefore, it is hunting. It needs food. So it will be drawn to local livestock and within short order we should be able to build up a Cat Activity Map on Robin’s computer. After doing this, and some preliminary investigations, we shall try and capture the thing by baiting it and trapping it. We shall use a ton of catnip, some live bait and hope that the Gods are on our side. By developing our sightings and activity map we should be able to work out a route and the best place to put our bait. I am betting that this creature is not so damned mysterious at all and that it behaves like big cats the world over using natural cover, for example nearby woods, to hide itself before moving in the for kill on open ground......”
“And here endeth the lesson,” remarked Tom, enthusiastically.
“Well Tom, what do you think?” asked Jack. “You’re a good fisherman and I taught you about that and the girls are quite good at catching butterflies before releasing them!”
“Yes, darling,” interrupted their mother, “but this mystery cat, or whatever, is not a butterfly and I do not want the children being in danger.”
“Indeed not,” answered Jack, “but these beasts seem curiously disinterested in their human counterparts.”
“I hope you’re not counting on a ruthless killer’s benevolence here darling,” added Sheila. “My children are not going to get in danger on some insane Big Cat hunt. I trust you to do it, with assistance, but my children shall be the backroom support.”
At this point Tom told mummy and Jack about the film and she said, “Aha! Fab! Something less dangerous for you to get involved in. I love your creativity. By all means, children, go and interview Mrs Seaton and Jenny Watts from the pub and, for that matter, anyone else you can get hold of. Be discreet of course. Tell people it’s for a homework project or something. If I’m right that idiot clown in the camouflage will have annoyed all but the most gullible by now. We can, I hope, rid the village of these invaders so we can maintain the peace and quiet and hopefully save the mystery cat’s life....”
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