The other week, as an amusing one-off Tim Matthews, wrote a silly short story spoofing some of the more ridiculous exploits of various self-styled big cat researchers over the years.
It was so popular that he wrote another one, and now - by public demand - it has become a serial. Every other day will see an episode of Timmo's new Fortean soap opera The Cats of Upper Minster. And having read the first few episodes I can confirm that it is bloody smashing and highly amusing. "I'll carry on until it stops being funny" says Tim, and you can't say fairer than that!
Robin and Frieda Fox were twins aged 12 so they did lots together and always knew what each other was thinking. A weird kind of mental connection meant they were often ahead of the game but their quirkiness and love for country living meant they spent a lot of time together, and not always being too well behaved! Their mother, Sheila, kept them at the cottage during school time and preferred to homeschool them and when she couldn’t teach them she would find someone who could.
The children had a younger brother and sister, Tom and Florence, aged nine and ten, who, like their older siblings, got bored very easily when the daily fayre of cooking, cleaning, organic gardening and visiting local friends left them at a loose end. All four children adored country life but sometimes needed another outlet for their vast resources of energy.
So when The General and his ABC Team arrived in their village, Upper Minster, it was almost too good to be true. Florence and Tom had been rescuing chickens with their friend Arthur Barton, the youngest of that old farming family, and when they arrived in the village by the pub they were intrigued by the large white vehicle, complete with Satellite dishes, marked Channel X.
Florence saw their friend Jenny, who worked at the pub, standing amongst the gathering crowds outside, she went up to her and asked what was going on: “Hello Jen, what is all this fuss about and what is this strange vehicle doing here?”
“Hiya Florence,” said Jenny, always happy to see the eight-year-old. “I think it’s something to do with my big mouth!”
“But you have a lovely mouth, Jenny,” said Florence, knowing full well what her friend had meant. “So what did you say and how can it have led to all this excitement?”
“Well, it turns out that Tony the glass collector has a friend who chases Big Cats for a living,” said Jenny. “Or, at least, likes to pretend he does,” she added, wry smile on face. “And Marj Seaton from Higher Cottage was taking her dog for a walk when it chased off after a large black creature. That’s pretty much it! I mentioned it in the pub the other night and now all hell has broken loose.“
“Ladeeeessss and Genelmun,” said the General. Channel X was about to deliver his 3pm ego boost and Florence was standing to the side of him, just another child to be ignored as far as anyone was concerned. How wrong they, and the General in particular, were. “Well Jenny, he really is an awful man. He is loud and brutish and he is talking rubbish in any case!”
“Ohh Florence do you know something about this,” asked Jenny. “Well, I have my suspicions, Jenny”, she replied. “But I don’t know. It is all quite fun though, and I must go and tell my brothers and sisters about this. After all, not much happens around here and I know they’ll be fascinated.”
Florence rushed off back to Old Farm Cottage - where the family lived - as fast as her legs could carry her and burst in through the door to be overwhelmed by the fantastic smell of home baking. She entered with such gusto that Bertie, the smallest dog in the household and possibly the whole of Dorset, started barking frantically.
“Oh Florence,” said her mum Sheila. “What an entrance! What IS the matter darling? You’re all red and sweaty and excited. What joys have the village of Upper Minster bestowed upon you this afternoon?”
Tom, Robin and Frieda were sitting around the kitchen table eating freshly baked scones but they looked up at when Florence burst in. “Well, it’s a mystery creature and there’s a man from the television there and Jenny says people are arriving in the village to set up base in the pub and it’s all her fault,” Florence blurted out. “And it is live on TV every hour and by the weekend the village will be swarming with men in camouflage!”
“Heavens,” said Florence’s mum. “Far too much excitement for a place like this. Mystery creatures? Sounds odd to me although when I was younger I do remember seeing a large black cat a few miles away in the woods. Not seen anything since then and, anyway, in years gone by many such animals were let into the wild, escaped from travelling circuses and so on so I shouldn’t be that surprised if a few remain.”
“Oh, that’s not it at all,” exclaimed Florence. “This awful fat man is there doing interviews with this man from the TV and he says it’s shapeshifting aliens!”
“Then he is utterly foolish, my little darling,” said Sheila, smiling. “We have all lived in the country long enough to accept its many possibilities but be sensible enough to always question what we see and feel.”
“Oh mummy you’re being all clever and philosophical again,” said Frieda. “You do make me laugh!”
“Then I am veerry sorry for lowering the tone,” said mother. “Eat your scones then up to your rooms. I need some space and Jack is coming around later.”
“Wwwwwwooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” said the children in unison. Jack was Sheila’s boyfriend and worked as a gardener and although the children thought he was great fun they loved annoying their mother about him - especially when he stayed over. “Well, that’s nice mummy,” said Robin. “I think we might have a lot of fun this evening!”
The children shared bedrooms, Robin with Frieda and Tom with Florence but they had a cozy room with cushions, blankets and an up to date computer that Robin spent far too much time on. He was, it was said, an annoying computer geek, but as the children had no television, they used the computer mainly to watch nature programmes via BBC I Player and find out as much as they could about local flora and fauna. Each of the children adored nature and knew a thing or two about supposed mystery animals as their mum owned several books on the subject.
Robin logged on to the Internet and looked up Big Cats Research. He looked up The General and within half an hour it was clear that this was a group full of charlatans, lunatics, oddballs and people who liked dressing up in military uniforms. “Ace,” exclaimed Robin. “A bunch of nutters and here in Upper Minster. I don’t know about you, but I feel like we should doooo something about them. But what?”
Florence had been sitting quietly next to Tom and she suddenly started crying, quite hysterically and hiding her head behind her hands. She was sobbing uncontrollably and none of them new quite why. “Oh it is so unfair,” she moaned. “So unfair. Why oh why did that beastly man have to come here of all places with his TV friends and that silly man in his burger van. It is tragic!”
“What doo you mean Florry,” asked Robin. “Why the upset. Did somebody say something to you whilst you were in the village?”
“Well, it is this,” said Tom. “I know.”
“Oh no pleeeassse don’t say,” cried Florence, “please don’t Tom. It is your and my secret. It will ruin everything. Everything!” She started crying again, uncontrollably.
“It was our special secret and now it’s all going to come out!” he continued. “Oh Florry we can’t keep it quiet now.” He turned to his brother and sisters and told them the story, whilst Florence continued to sob as if the world was ending.
“Florence and I were playing in the Hartshill Woods last year and, one day, we were climbing trees and, from our vantage point, saw something below that looked distinctly cat like. It wasn’t a house cat or even a slightly larger feral cat. It was a BIG cat, like a Puma or Lynx. Well, we sat there whispering to each other and, oddly, it didn’t seem to notice us. It looked like it was hunting. It left after a while and we climbed down of course. Well, as we were walking home in the distance, on the edge of the woods, by the fields, we saw it again. It was very beautiful and quite out of place.....it looked majestic and not the sort of animal you’d want fat pigs in camouflage chasing after....”
Silence.
The children just sat there. Even Florence had stopped crying. All that could be heard was mother downstairs singing along to Tam Lin, her favourite track by Fairport Convention, as she prepared supper for herself, Jack and the children.
Eventually, Robin, the oldest by a few minutes, said, “Right. We are going to have to doo something about this. We are family and although we are much younger than The General, the TV reporters and no doubt the media types who will descend this weekend we know the land, we have plenty of free time and we’re local. Maybe it’s time for us to do something together. If there is a big cat out there the last thing it needs is the General and media exposure. It mightn’t know it, dear old thing, but it needs our help......”
And so the plotting, planning and preparations for the children’s biggest adventure of all time truly began......
Our breeding programme for yellow bellied girardinus (Girardinus falcatus), a charming little livebearer from Cuba, has succeeded far beyond our original hopes, and we are over-run with the little fellers.
